How to give a cat a pill

by Peggy Althoff and others

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty". Drop pill into it's mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1. but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get a new cat]
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your right elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw ... and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on curtains. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming the "who's the boss here anyway" attitude, open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think.. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen cupboard. Drag back one large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from plant pot
12. Spread cat on towel near one end ... with it's head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over it's stomach. [Resist impulse to flatten the cat].
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man [or woman].
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon..
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila ... It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur [cat's]. Apply bandages to wounds [yours].
18. Take 2 aspirins. Lie down.
19. Cat walks past, gives you look and spits out pill whilst disappearing through catflap.

An alternative suggestion:

1. Take pepper mill and empty out pepper.
2. Insert pill into pepper mill
3. Grind pill over back of cat.
4. Relax with cup of coffee while cat licks ground up pill off its fur.